Muchos Gracias

Thursday night I had to take Scott to the Emergency Room at 2:30am. He was in extreme abdominal pain and his arms and legs were going numb. He couldn't even lift his hands to scratch his face.

I'm not the one the does well in emergency situations. I'm the one that freezes and lets someone else deal.

This time, I had no choice but to be in charge. I had to take care of my husband. He had to go to the hospital.

I got him in the van, and to the ER. He was getting worse and worse the entire time. I had to keep a cool head, because he was scared. I've never seen him like that. Ever.

I started tweeting about what was going on after we got to the ER. It was like a vivid nightmare. Watching him in so much pain. It took them almost an hour to get him in a bed and give him some pain meds. Which helped immediately.

That's when it happened to me. That I felt a connection to those around me. A connection I had never felt before. I was getting DM's, emails, tweets back. People CARED.

And I no longer felt so alone sitting in the ER watching him suffer. There were offers of people to blow their planned day off to come sit with me. There were offers of "I'm here if you need to talk." There were just flat out notes about prayers, thoughts and concerns. And later Friday, a phone call that made my day.

I was no longer scared shitless. I was able to keep it together and make it through the early morning to 9am when they finally gave a diagnosis and agreed he needed his appendix out.

I was given strength. By people I've met and some I haven't. I was able to maintain my cool and not break down and lose it in front of my husband who really needed me to stay strong.

I have never felt 'the blogging community' as strongly as I did then. I have seen and been part of support for others, but never have I felt it so much myself.

I know an appendix isn't a big deal. But it is when you don't know WHAT is going on. Especially when you don't deal well with that kind of situation. I was on the edge of freak out.

Thankfully, he had the surgery Friday morning. It went fantastic. No rupture or 'mess' inside. I brought him home Saturday.

AND THEN, not only feeling the love of the people on the other side of my phone, my BIL, Alan and friend Chrissy, were at the house mowing the lawn and weeding.

I am thankful that my husband is ok. I am thankful that it will be a quick recovery (2-3 weeks).

And now, I am more thankful for all of you more then any of you know.

Give yourself a huge hug from me. Cause I would love to hug each and every single one of you that reached out.

Thank you. I can't say it enough.

Slow week

Been a slow week at work. So you all get another post! YEAH you!

First let me tell you how the appt went w/Jackass Doctor. He MUST have known I was ready to beat him down with my sharp wit and serious demeanor cause he was the sweetest. Supportive and not a dick. TOTAL difference from last time I saw him, thank god, I was prepared to punch him if I had to.

I also went from serious apnea to severe. I asked the difference. Serious means 'incidents' every hour or more. I have 'incidents' on average every 32 minutes or less. So in reality I haven't hard core slept for more then 30 minutes in over 7 years. I've never been so excited for a machine to be attached to me in my life. I'm gonna strap that thing on and sleep for an entire weekend.

Just to be clear. The top picture yesterday was the sleep test itself. Not what I will have to wear when I get the CPAP thingy. Thank god. That was lots of wires and goo. Icky sticky itchy goo too. (I also think I look like the 'Big Boobie Lady' from The Simpson's Movie)

Now I have a question for you all. I have been trying my hardest to respond to comments via email. Problem is, that it seems most people that comment here do it as a "no-reply email", so I can't send you an email!

I'm going to start replying in comments for a little while and see how that goes. Do you guys really come back and read replies if I do that? That's the question.

I really want to contact those that are sweet and nice enough to come by and comment, and it bums me out when I can't. So looking for options on how to make that part better. Any ideas, or different ways to do it would be appreciated.

Lastly, if you have hot dogs that have been around for a month, throw them away. DO NOT EAT! I ate a few that seemed ok on Tuesday night. Well.... I ended up having to call out of work Wednesday, cause I guess they weren't as 'fresh' as I thought they were. Also could have been the stomach bug that is going around but it just seemed odd that it hit me after the dogs.

This weekend is going to be a busy one. Friday night we have our Costco run. Saturday I have to work (to make up yesterday), Saturday night we are going to a party, and Sunday.. well.. I know we have a ton of stuff to do around the house. Hopefully we'll be putting up our gazebo.

Hope you all have a great weekend! I'll be back posting again next week. Maybe. If I feel like it. Perhaps.

AND before I go... Check out my favorite Karl in the universe doing You can Leave your Hat On at ConFab 09!

You can leave your hat on from Bubblewench on Vimeo.

Wordless Wednesday

(thank you awesome Nurse at the sleep center! Told you I needed this picture!)

(Thanks to Karl for this pic of me from ConFab!)

Copa Cabana

As things 'pop' up about ConFab, I'll post them. For example Marty. He was a surprise. And well worth getting to meet.

I always loved CopaCabana, but after this, I think I love Marty's version best.

Marty Copa Cabana from Bubblewench on Vimeo.

Strap On's don't scare me!

For years, I've been tired. I mean never feel rested, never feel energized by a good nights sleep tired. Constantly dragging. Always wanting to nap. Low energy.

I just assumed that was how most people were.

I finally said something to my doctor a few months ago because it was to the point where I was practically delirious during the day. I was close to non-functioning at work. I couldn't focus and was dozing off at my desk. I literally went into his office and cried. Begging for something to let me sleep more then the normal 1 or 2 hours I did sleep at a time.

He refused. He's like that.

But he did send me to a sleep specialist claiming that I was a prime candidate for sleep apnea. I went. He was a douche. I wrote a post or part of a post about it a while back, but I can't seem to find it now. I went back to my primary doc, told him that the sleep guy was an ass. He laughed and agreed with me and said "But he's the best in the area. Think you can deal with it?" I said sure.

So I signed up for the overnight test at the hospital. I was going to do it back in May, but then fell fell off a horse and well, I couldn't go.

I rescheduled for this past weekend. I'll start off by saying, Damn! From the Hilton to the Hospital in one week! The Hilton was much better, but I was surprised at the hospital room! It was all cozy, they had cable HD TV and a sleep number bed. I was all good.

Until the wires started to get connected to me..... I looked like the dude from Altered States. Seriously. I had the nurse take a picture before they 'tucked me in for the night'. She was cracking up. I think she thought I was a little nuts... how true. How true. Of course I haven't loaded that off my camera though. I'll share later this week on that one!

I did my little 'routine'. Watched some US Open (holy crap did you see that this weekend?? Tiger is sucking ass! See how he does today.) And went to what I call sleep about 10. Was up at 11. Was up at 11:30. Woke up again at 12:30, had to pee, so I asked the nurse to unplug me so I could go. She comes in and says "I was just about to wake you up anyway, you really need the machine. You have some serious apnea!"

Next thing you know, I'm all Darth Vader and shit. Seriously, this thing is huge nasty and all over your head.

I woke up again and had to pee - called the nurse in, she says "I was just about to wake you up!" I said "Why, isn't it like 3am? That's usually the longest I'll sleep." She laughed said "No honey, it's 5am, you're done." I looked at her in utter surprise. I slept from 12:30-5am. I cannot remember sleeping that long in forever, and I mean years and years. If I sleep more then 3 hours, it's a huge deal to me, and that rarely ever happens.

And I felt great. I felt rested. I felt like if I had to, I could have started the day right there and not been tired.

Instead I went home, took a shower and went back to bed. Cause ya know it was only 5:30am! On a Saturday!

Final determination is yes, I have serious sleep apnea and I need one of those CPAP machines to help me sleep.

Since I was back to my regularly scheduled sleeping pattern Saturday night. I noticed even more how I'm awake every hour on the hour like clockwork. It sucks.

So If I have to go Darth Vader on my own ass to breathe right and sleep like I haven't slept in years.. bring it on. Strap on's don't scare me.

Skywatch Friday

Scenes from the passenger seat

The next few weeks of photos are ones Chris took on our way to and from Kentucky. She was the passenger!

Click for more Sky Watch Friday!

This is not the post you are looking for...

I know you're all expecting some crazy ass stories from ConFab, but in reality, it wasn't that nuts.

Right off thanks doesn't even do justice to what Brad and Liz did for all of us. Opened their homes, their hears, their arms, and their booze to us. I have never met two people that made me feel so welcome immediately.

I am extremely grateful that I had the opportunity to go to Kentucky to see/meet them and everyone else there.

Thanks to Chris and Sybil for being my friends and my rocks. I never would have made it through the weekend w/o either of them.

I could go through and start linking to everyone that I just adored there, but I won't. You know who you are. Especially the TWO (that I didn't travel with)....

I met some really amazing people down there that I didn't even know existed. I am so grateful and thankful for that, I can't even begin to tell you.

My theories on a few other people that I have met before were solidified, especially when I got the dismissive hand wave from someone that I THOUGHT was a nice person. Boy was I wrong. Thankfully that person ignored me the entire time. Was good cause I would have asked them how the hell their head got so big? Whatever, one snotty apple in the bunch. You think I'm beneath you? Let me tell ya - ya ain't nothing special.

Here's where I get all 'beware if you read further'.. it's not all happy and sunshine, like Kentucky is.

I made it through the party. I made it through the trip. Now, I'm a fucking lunatic. I'm losing my mind. I'm freaking out.

It's been a long time since I've had more then just 2 or 3 friends. If that.

And suddenly I have all these people that I want to see, hug, talk to, have drinks with. And the odd part... is that want to be friends with me as much as I want to be friends with them.

And just as suddenly, I'm freaking out. I'm very depressed. And I mean over the edge depressed. I haven't felt like this in awhile. I thought I was getting better. I am so not. I feel like I am worse.

I'm having panic and anxiety attacks like no body's business! I'm trying to stay friendly and open and 'fun', but ya know what. I can't keep doing it. It's stressing me out. I need to crawl back into my hole and hide my head for a bit.

It's not just the party and the unusualness of the super social being I was this past weekend, its just a combo of lots of things. And I just can't seem to get a grip.

So forgive me for not being all linky linky linky love love love. I'm treading water. And going under is really easy. But like Dory says... "Keep on swimming, keep on swimming... " I plan on doing that. No matter how hard it is.

Skywatch Friday

Scenes from the passenger seat

This series of photos are the ones I take as my husband drives me around.

Click for more Sky Watch Friday!

On the Road Again

Today, as you read this, the journey has begun.

This will be the last post until next week.

I had this whole post planned about how I'm feeling about this trip (in more detail), and I'm deciding to pass on it because it will just come off as 'wrong' and would drive me nuts knowing it would be out there and me with no Internet for 5 days to fend off the meanies and misconceptions.

So here are some random things that have crossed my mind today instead.

One time while traveling, I ate at an airport Mexican place during a long layover. I remember the food was great, and served with blue nacho chips. But I was majorly freaked out later, when I got to where I was going and my poop was blue. Took me a little while to figure it out.

This morning, while out in the smokers lounge, dude backed his car into a spot in front of us, and had condoms hanging off his bumper. We pointed them out. He was pissed, as soon as he walked away, we busted out laughing our asses off. Forever will he be known as the guy with the "condom car" now.

Hoping I do fit in with the crowd I'm about to meet in Kentucky. Haven't slept or been able to eat much for the past 3 days. More nervous then I thought I was or would be.

Going to try and take a little side trip to Makers Mark. Looks awesome.

Yes, I am bringing my bathing suit.

Stupid people annoy me.

Condom car! ba ha ha ha ha haha hahahahaha!!

I never should have drank all that rum last night. Oy! Feel like crap!

It's really disappointing to put yourself out there and tweet people or email them or comment on their blogs and they totally ignore you. Makes me wonder - what's wrong with me(or tweet/email/comment)? It's most likely them.

Can't wait to plan a trip to NYC when I get back. MUST SEE Daryl soon. Having withdrawals. And I need a slice of Big Nicks.

These leftovers are yummy! Baked ziti!

Well, I think thats about all I got for you.

Except - I'm out travelling in THIS:

Totally stylin ride. I couldn't even afford half of one of these things.

Hope you all have a great weekend! See ya on the flip side!

Condom car! ba ha ha ha ha haha hahahahaha!! (that's gonna crack me up all day!)

Wordless Wednesday

Things change, even if you don't notice them

A little over a year ago, I went to my first blogger meet up, Tequilacon 08.

At that time I was going through some rough patches when it came to my mental and physical health. I wasn't what I would consider 'normal me'. But at the time, I didn't know what was going on for real. Hadn't sought help or any attempts to understand the issues.

It's strange how I go back and read the posts from that night, that time, and I actually said "Very cool event, I am glad I went. Really not my cup of tea (or bottle of rum or tequila)..."

I am surprised at myself! Because it really IS my kind of event. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to take it on and make it work for me. I was still newer to blogging and getting to know people that way, and yes, I was intimidated by some of the attendees and afraid to bust into some circles of people that were obviously already established.

See - AFRAID. I was scared shitless.

Not anymore.

I've changed. I can't say I've changed back to who I was before. But I can say I have changed into someone different from that night at the bowling alley.

I wonder why I've made this change. How it happened and why?

I think I know.

Mainly, because I kept up my blogging, even through the months of depression where all I did was sleep. I kept on writing, reading and trying to comment on others, even if I wasn't in the mood or didn't feel I really had anything to say. I kept pushing forward. I got professional help. And medication. (lexipro is my friend!)

Since I did that, I have come to understand blogging and the blog universe a lot better. I see how friendships can develop and that people are overall really nice and open to being friendly. I have put myself more out there and comment more, and follow more people on Twitter and actually have 'met' some really awesome peeps!

I was ready to attend the next major event I knew about, Avitable's Halloween Party. But even then I wasn't quite ready. And couldn't afford it to save my life anyway!

Imagine my surprise when I heard about ConFab 08. In Kentucky.

Imagine my bigger surprise when I said "Scott, do you mind if I go away for a long weekend with my girlfriends to a huge blogger party in Kentucky?"

And my wonderful loving amazing awesome darling husband said "Sure! Why not? You deserve it and you know it's not really my thing anyway."

So I started planning. Way back in the beginning. Hotel, car, driving route, budget. All the fun stuff.

MetalMom and I will be leaving the PA area Thursday morning and driving to Ohio, stay overnight then have lunch with a woman I can't wait to see in Dayton, then it's off to pick up SybilLaw. And from there right on to the beautiful state of Kentucky.

And when we get there, hugs will be had. I'm not afraid of that. I'm not afraid to jump up and down and go SQEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I'm not afraid to squish my boobies into people(cough cough Karl).

Yes, there is still some fear. But I'm finally back to "I don't give a shit what you think about me, because I'm ok with myself."

I have no idea when internal these changes took place for me, all I know is they have. I feel them, I'm living them.

And I can't wait to experience them in Kentucky.



PS. The adorable SnarkyKisses has 2 posts up about her feelings on going to BlogHer 09. When I read them, I could see myself in each of them. Great posts about the fear of 'going public' for the first time with oneself.

PPS. I'm still a little scared. But not shitless, don't get out the depends yet.

Skywatch Friday

Scenes from the passenger seat

This series of photos are the ones I take as my husband drives me around.

Click for more Sky Watch Friday!

Where did Wednesday go?

Seroiusly. I missed Wordless Wednesday and everything!

It's 11:40am, I started writing this about 9.

And now I totally forget what I was going to write.

Oh well.

I guess I'll just say - You'll be missed Kwai Chang Caine. You were my childhood TV friend.

Kung Fu: The Ancient Warrior (#1.15) (1973)
Young Caine: Master, what is the best way to meet the loss of a loved one?
Master Kan: By knowing that when we truly love, it is never lost... It is only after death that the depth of the bond is truly felt, and our loved one becomes more a part of us than was possible in live.
Young Caine: Are we only able to feel this toward those whom we have known and loved a long time?
Master Kan: Sometimes a stranger, known to us for moments, can spark our souls to kinship for eternity.

More quotes

Neighbor

I see him walk down the street almost every night. Decent looking fellow, in his late 40's, early 50's. He lives 3 doors up the block across the street. Pretty sure he lives alone.

I see him get home from work. Come out about an hour later, changed to 'comfy' clothes, and off on foot. He walks on down the street with no sidewalks, just off to the side of the road, by the ditch. He walks 'correctly', against the traffic.

Some nights, I see him come home with a bag from Burger King or a box from the pizza place. Maybe one from the liquor store, or a six pack. Other times, I never see him come back again at all, but he'll be back after work tomorrow or the next day.

He always walks alone and quickly. He always waves if he sees me, but he doesn't always.

Every so often he'll stop to pet one of the cats, if they're laying in the ditch (yes, they do frequently!).

I don't know his name. I've never really said much to him nor him me.

He was walking down the street last week, all dressed up. Slacks, nice shirt, jacket, shoes. Not his normal shorts, t-shirt and sneakers that he wears on his walk.

He waved.

I said "You look really nice tonight! All dressed up!" (he did!)

He blushed. Said "Thanks"

"I'm going to a life celebration, and he lived a long happy life! We're really going to celebrate. I thought it was best to dress for respect, but he knew me, and it would be rude if I tried to drive home after celebrating him so much, he'll be watching!"

We both laughed, I wished him best, he smiled, and quickly took off down the road in his Sunday best.

The guy never stopped smiling, and was excited for his evening.

I think I really like my neighbor.