Sometimes I do not understand this roller coaster I am on. It confuses me and scares me.
Today, I feel ok. About 10 thousand times better then I did yesterday. And yeah, it scares me. I went from a super super low day, to I don't want to say high day, but a helluva lot better one.
I was very overwhelmed yesterday, and the blows just kept coming. I felt like I had to fight for the right to breathe, and the breaths weren't coming.
I wish I understood this better. I wish I knew why I get that way, and how to NOT get that way. I guess that is why I keep seeing doctors and a therapist. Cause I don't get it. And I don't know how to deal with it well.
Am I afraid to be happy? I think that sometimes I am. That I don't feel right having a great day, such a wonderful life, house and husband.
Work continues on all of this. In the meantime, I really do appreciate your comments, emails and show of support. 2 years ago, I would have been 10x worse then I was yesterday, but now, I have all of you. And that means a lot and helps me in so many more ways then I could ever imagine.
Today, after about 2 hours of sleep last night, I'm gonna ride this high. And know that its ok to be happy, and when the shit starts coming my way? I'm ducking. It's not hitting me today. I won't let it. I need to smile.
Click NOW or ELSE!
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About Me
- Bubblewench
- I am a crazy woman who is stuck in pending middle age, and thinks longingly about what it used to be like touring with the Dead. I have freinds on two coasts, a fantanstic husband and 5 cats and 4 birds and in another life I was a mean ass pirate who pillaged your town and drank all your rum.
this thingy that looks cool, but I don't even really know how it works
5 gimme your words here:
Talking always helps .. whether its professional listening or friends .. its just good to get it out there .. once its out there it isnt as scary .. and it sounds like something to chat about in therapy, I bet your doc will help you figure it out ... xo
What a fearless post.
You help us all through your honesty.
I think you are on a good path.
Just for today: do not worry.
"The evil of the day is suffiecient thereto."
Jesus
Aloha gal pal!!
Comfort Spiral
I have had more than my fair share of clinical depression (is there anything that is a fair share? lol, not sure why I used those words) and it fucks you up. I never can think clearly and it's so easy for me to get stuck inside my head. Keep fighting and keep moving forward, even if it is one tiny step at a time.
I'm not a licensed professional. Wait, I'm a CPA! Ok, that means I know all there is to know about everything.
Frankly, the writing is an outlet for me as is the acting. Perhaps, that's the answer, a new pursuit. Maybe even volunteer work.
That's really all it takes - the attitude.
Well, and some drinks, some days.
:P
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