Things change, even if you don't notice them

A little over a year ago, I went to my first blogger meet up, Tequilacon 08.

At that time I was going through some rough patches when it came to my mental and physical health. I wasn't what I would consider 'normal me'. But at the time, I didn't know what was going on for real. Hadn't sought help or any attempts to understand the issues.

It's strange how I go back and read the posts from that night, that time, and I actually said "Very cool event, I am glad I went. Really not my cup of tea (or bottle of rum or tequila)..."

I am surprised at myself! Because it really IS my kind of event. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to take it on and make it work for me. I was still newer to blogging and getting to know people that way, and yes, I was intimidated by some of the attendees and afraid to bust into some circles of people that were obviously already established.

See - AFRAID. I was scared shitless.

Not anymore.

I've changed. I can't say I've changed back to who I was before. But I can say I have changed into someone different from that night at the bowling alley.

I wonder why I've made this change. How it happened and why?

I think I know.

Mainly, because I kept up my blogging, even through the months of depression where all I did was sleep. I kept on writing, reading and trying to comment on others, even if I wasn't in the mood or didn't feel I really had anything to say. I kept pushing forward. I got professional help. And medication. (lexipro is my friend!)

Since I did that, I have come to understand blogging and the blog universe a lot better. I see how friendships can develop and that people are overall really nice and open to being friendly. I have put myself more out there and comment more, and follow more people on Twitter and actually have 'met' some really awesome peeps!

I was ready to attend the next major event I knew about, Avitable's Halloween Party. But even then I wasn't quite ready. And couldn't afford it to save my life anyway!

Imagine my surprise when I heard about ConFab 08. In Kentucky.

Imagine my bigger surprise when I said "Scott, do you mind if I go away for a long weekend with my girlfriends to a huge blogger party in Kentucky?"

And my wonderful loving amazing awesome darling husband said "Sure! Why not? You deserve it and you know it's not really my thing anyway."

So I started planning. Way back in the beginning. Hotel, car, driving route, budget. All the fun stuff.

MetalMom and I will be leaving the PA area Thursday morning and driving to Ohio, stay overnight then have lunch with a woman I can't wait to see in Dayton, then it's off to pick up SybilLaw. And from there right on to the beautiful state of Kentucky.

And when we get there, hugs will be had. I'm not afraid of that. I'm not afraid to jump up and down and go SQEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I'm not afraid to squish my boobies into people(cough cough Karl).

Yes, there is still some fear. But I'm finally back to "I don't give a shit what you think about me, because I'm ok with myself."

I have no idea when internal these changes took place for me, all I know is they have. I feel them, I'm living them.

And I can't wait to experience them in Kentucky.



PS. The adorable SnarkyKisses has 2 posts up about her feelings on going to BlogHer 09. When I read them, I could see myself in each of them. Great posts about the fear of 'going public' for the first time with oneself.

PPS. I'm still a little scared. But not shitless, don't get out the depends yet.