Sleep update

I finally got the CPAP machine on Friday. Had to drive about 2 hours out of my way to pick it up or I probably never would have gotten it at all.

Friday night I slept for 7 hours with the thing on, woke up at 8am and felt well, pretty good. So I decided to stay in bed and be lazy and lay around til 12. That was really nice.

Saturday I seemed to have all kinds of problems with the damn thing and didn't get much sleep nor sleep with the stupid thing on much.

Last night, I had it on, couldn't get to sleep to save my life, took it off, fell asleep, woke up, put it back on, slept with it on for about 3 hours. I probably could have slept much longer, but that freakin alarm clock went off and I had to get up for work.

I'm working on it. It's not as easy to adjust to it as I would like. I do sleep better with it on, that part is clear already.

Most of the cats don't care and just look at me funny, but MoMo and Karma seem to be afraid of me when I have that thing on. It's pretty funny. Yes, there will be pictures, but not today.

Took a break this weekend. Didn't have the internets at my fingertips, and my phone no longer tweets (which is KILLING ME) but hey, I had a life before that! Yeah, I know it wasn't as much fun, but what am I gonna do?

Realized my phone is so old that it only holds about 20 text messages (compared to the 300 my other phone would hold), so I had to turn all notifications off for Twitter. It was like pulling my eye ball out. It was hard to do, but done, and I kept missing it all weekend.. until Sunday, when I went to the store w/o my phone and thought "Hey, no twitter, so, who cares!" and don't think I saw my phone the rest of the day either.

Ok, I lie like a rug, I am jonesing for a new freakin phone so I can tweet from there again. And I'm not eligible for upgrade til December. Oy!

Anyway, that's about all I got for this Monday the 13th.

Tune in tomorrow for a special announcement! Big News! Tons of fun involved! And YOU TOO can participate!

SkyWatch Friday

Scenes from the passenger seat

Another shot that Chris took on our way to and from Kentucky. She was the passenger!

Click for more Sky Watch Friday!

And no, I have no clue where Florence is Y'all. It's somewhere past PA, before KY.

Roller Coaster

Sometimes I do not understand this roller coaster I am on. It confuses me and scares me.

Today, I feel ok. About 10 thousand times better then I did yesterday. And yeah, it scares me. I went from a super super low day, to I don't want to say high day, but a helluva lot better one.

I was very overwhelmed yesterday, and the blows just kept coming. I felt like I had to fight for the right to breathe, and the breaths weren't coming.

I wish I understood this better. I wish I knew why I get that way, and how to NOT get that way. I guess that is why I keep seeing doctors and a therapist. Cause I don't get it. And I don't know how to deal with it well.

Am I afraid to be happy? I think that sometimes I am. That I don't feel right having a great day, such a wonderful life, house and husband.

Work continues on all of this. In the meantime, I really do appreciate your comments, emails and show of support. 2 years ago, I would have been 10x worse then I was yesterday, but now, I have all of you. And that means a lot and helps me in so many more ways then I could ever imagine.

Today, after about 2 hours of sleep last night, I'm gonna ride this high. And know that its ok to be happy, and when the shit starts coming my way? I'm ducking. It's not hitting me today. I won't let it. I need to smile.

Wenesday full of Words

I know it's Wordless Wednesday, and I usually participate, but I haven't posted yet this week, so I'm doing that instead.

I'm exhausted. Remember that damn Strap On I was so excited for? Well, I'm getting dicked around by the company that provides them. I was supposed to have it June 29th. Got a call that day, "Oh we will call you tomorrow". Never called. I called on July 1st. Was told they double ordered the machine and it was sent to the wrong office. They would call me Monday, July 6th, as the other office was overnighting it, but the holiday.. ya know. Ok.

Monday. No call. I called them. Was told they would call me right back. Guess what. I got a call yesterday (Tuesday, July 7th) at 4:30pm.

Basically, they never ordered the machine. I won't get into their long rambling explanation of warehouses and back orders and priorities (I'm supposed to be a #1 priority). But now it's "sometime next week". Yeah, they apologized, and were nice, but I'm just at the end of my rope.

I feel like one of those old cartoon horses with the carrot dangling in front of me, that I'll never reach.

And now for a bad seque..

Scott is doing well. Went for his follow up for surgery yesterday. Can go back to light duty work (if they have any for him) next week. Can also start driving again, and lifting anything under 100lbs.

I gotta tell you. I'm a spoiled bitch.

I have had to do all of his chores and mine the past two weeks. I can't even keep up. It's insane. Now, I lived alone for years and years and years, and did all these same things just for myself, and had no problems. So I don't quite get why I can't keep up now. But hey, I have come to appreciate what he does way more now.

Hell, I can't even get the lawn mowed. I have to hit up BIL to do it.

And that is why I feel like a total failure these days on top of everything else. I failed. I let myself and my husband/house down. I'm struggling to keep it together.

That is not helping me keep my mental health on the right track either. The overwhelming feelings are well, overwhelming! I feel buried.

Of course that all starts to spiral out of control to other things.

I'm starting a slight paranoia of "Oh shit. What am I doing? I'm forcing people to be my friends! Ok, back off." So I'm crawling into my hermit crab shell for a little bit. I'm freaking out over stupid shit. Blogs and tweets that have nothing to do with me at all, for some reason are just making me wonder. HELLO STUPID! I know they're not, but like I said STUPID. If you see me, you'll see I have the big ole "L" etched into my forehead right now.

I know you're all tired of hearing it. I seem to come here whenever I'm losing my mind and dump it all out. Sorry, but that's how it is today.

And I get to end this day by going to the gynecologist. Oh I can't wait.

Happy Hump Day!


ps. Squeak! has gone the way of the dumpster.... they got him. And a few of his brothers and cousins. Go kitties!

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

I have absolutely nothing for Wordless Wednesday. Well, I do but the pics aren't uploaded anywhere I can get to them right now. So I give you the tale of Squeak! instead.

As you know, I have severe sleep apnea. Bottom line is I wake up about every hour on the hour or more. Last night was no different (no I don't have my strap on yet!). It was a beautiful evening, so the kitties were all outside. And they did not want to come in.

Scott was on the couch, recovering, and watching the DVR of his baseball game when I went to bed about 9. I told him the kitties were out and wouldn't come in, he'd have to get them later.

I was up about 10:30, I tried to get them in. One came in. Ok. 3 to go. I went back to bed. I was a little worried because baby Karma was still out. I told Scott to make sure he got her in.

I woke up about midnight, and decided I had to pee. As I cross the hall, Scott says "I got all the cats in." I said "even baby?" he said "Yes."

Ok, I go sit on the throne to do my thing, baby comes into the bathroom (she always does). All the sudden I hear this loud non stop Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! I look over and there is something dark in the corner (I don't turn the light on) and it wasn't Cleetus! It was a REAL MOUSE! Squeakin his little heart out tearing around the bathroom, being chased by Karma.

Of course I scream, "Holy shit! It's a mouse!" and put my feet up on the edge of the tub. Now, in all honesty, I have to tell you, I don't wear PJ's to sleep. So I'm butt ass naked on the toilet, with my feet on the tub. Scott comes tearing in the bathroom, turns on the light and closes the door.

He then proceeds to grab paper towels and chase this little tiny mouse around the bathroom, and toilet, while also trying to keep Karma from getting it. While I sit there with my bare ass and feet on the edge of the tub.

Eventually, Squeak! (that's his name), ran behind the toilet and was back there Squeak! Squeak! Squeakin his little heart out! Scott looks at me, and says "Think you could get off the toilet?" I said "sure." So I get up and go stand by the door.

He chases little Squeak! around a few more times, finally catches him with his bare hands, and runs outside and drops him in the garden.

After my fit of laughter is over. I go back to bed.

Karma spent the next 10 minutes or so digging behind the toilet looking for her midnight snack.

And honestly, I'm still laughing.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

I have a feeling we'll be seeing him again.

Muchos Gracias

Thursday night I had to take Scott to the Emergency Room at 2:30am. He was in extreme abdominal pain and his arms and legs were going numb. He couldn't even lift his hands to scratch his face.

I'm not the one the does well in emergency situations. I'm the one that freezes and lets someone else deal.

This time, I had no choice but to be in charge. I had to take care of my husband. He had to go to the hospital.

I got him in the van, and to the ER. He was getting worse and worse the entire time. I had to keep a cool head, because he was scared. I've never seen him like that. Ever.

I started tweeting about what was going on after we got to the ER. It was like a vivid nightmare. Watching him in so much pain. It took them almost an hour to get him in a bed and give him some pain meds. Which helped immediately.

That's when it happened to me. That I felt a connection to those around me. A connection I had never felt before. I was getting DM's, emails, tweets back. People CARED.

And I no longer felt so alone sitting in the ER watching him suffer. There were offers of people to blow their planned day off to come sit with me. There were offers of "I'm here if you need to talk." There were just flat out notes about prayers, thoughts and concerns. And later Friday, a phone call that made my day.

I was no longer scared shitless. I was able to keep it together and make it through the early morning to 9am when they finally gave a diagnosis and agreed he needed his appendix out.

I was given strength. By people I've met and some I haven't. I was able to maintain my cool and not break down and lose it in front of my husband who really needed me to stay strong.

I have never felt 'the blogging community' as strongly as I did then. I have seen and been part of support for others, but never have I felt it so much myself.

I know an appendix isn't a big deal. But it is when you don't know WHAT is going on. Especially when you don't deal well with that kind of situation. I was on the edge of freak out.

Thankfully, he had the surgery Friday morning. It went fantastic. No rupture or 'mess' inside. I brought him home Saturday.

AND THEN, not only feeling the love of the people on the other side of my phone, my BIL, Alan and friend Chrissy, were at the house mowing the lawn and weeding.

I am thankful that my husband is ok. I am thankful that it will be a quick recovery (2-3 weeks).

And now, I am more thankful for all of you more then any of you know.

Give yourself a huge hug from me. Cause I would love to hug each and every single one of you that reached out.

Thank you. I can't say it enough.

Slow week

Been a slow week at work. So you all get another post! YEAH you!

First let me tell you how the appt went w/Jackass Doctor. He MUST have known I was ready to beat him down with my sharp wit and serious demeanor cause he was the sweetest. Supportive and not a dick. TOTAL difference from last time I saw him, thank god, I was prepared to punch him if I had to.

I also went from serious apnea to severe. I asked the difference. Serious means 'incidents' every hour or more. I have 'incidents' on average every 32 minutes or less. So in reality I haven't hard core slept for more then 30 minutes in over 7 years. I've never been so excited for a machine to be attached to me in my life. I'm gonna strap that thing on and sleep for an entire weekend.

Just to be clear. The top picture yesterday was the sleep test itself. Not what I will have to wear when I get the CPAP thingy. Thank god. That was lots of wires and goo. Icky sticky itchy goo too. (I also think I look like the 'Big Boobie Lady' from The Simpson's Movie)

Now I have a question for you all. I have been trying my hardest to respond to comments via email. Problem is, that it seems most people that comment here do it as a "no-reply email", so I can't send you an email!

I'm going to start replying in comments for a little while and see how that goes. Do you guys really come back and read replies if I do that? That's the question.

I really want to contact those that are sweet and nice enough to come by and comment, and it bums me out when I can't. So looking for options on how to make that part better. Any ideas, or different ways to do it would be appreciated.

Lastly, if you have hot dogs that have been around for a month, throw them away. DO NOT EAT! I ate a few that seemed ok on Tuesday night. Well.... I ended up having to call out of work Wednesday, cause I guess they weren't as 'fresh' as I thought they were. Also could have been the stomach bug that is going around but it just seemed odd that it hit me after the dogs.

This weekend is going to be a busy one. Friday night we have our Costco run. Saturday I have to work (to make up yesterday), Saturday night we are going to a party, and Sunday.. well.. I know we have a ton of stuff to do around the house. Hopefully we'll be putting up our gazebo.

Hope you all have a great weekend! I'll be back posting again next week. Maybe. If I feel like it. Perhaps.

AND before I go... Check out my favorite Karl in the universe doing You can Leave your Hat On at ConFab 09!

You can leave your hat on from Bubblewench on Vimeo.